A post I never thought I'd have to write...

"You know Nanny would've just loved Lu!" is the last thing I remember my mother telling me. She said other things, but none stuck like that one. She was referring to my grandmother (her mother) who passed away when I was in high school. I spent every weekend at my grandparents...we watched Golden Girls, did crossword puzzles and drank tea. It was the best part of my childhood and I miss every second of it and her. I knew that my grandmother would've loved Lu, she would've spoiled her rotten and snuggled her endlessly. When my mom said that, I got a weird feeling in my stomach, saddened that my grandma never got to meet Lu and how I wish we'd had more time.

On August 11th, 2011...my mother died.

I still can't believe it.

My head is in a fog, everything that was important to me now seems irrelevant. The moment my father called to tell me that he'd found my mother dead in her bed...my heart skipped a beat and will never return to the calm and trusting rhythm it once held. Everything and I mean everything about my life has changed.

My best friend and mom is dead...the person I called several times a day just to chat...will never talk to me again...will never meet any of my future kids...will never walk through my front door. She is gone.

My mother had been battling a rare form of sarcoma, an aggressive tumour on her face. She'd had a radical surgery, removing bone and skin that required extensive repair. She lived with us last summer while she went through several months of daily radiation, and still she smiled and trudged through it all. She received the all-clear and we were elated. A couple months ago, she began complaining about headaches and tiredness. She worried the cancer had returned but after her last check-up in June she was relieved to find out that everything was still fine.

In July, we went home to visit my parents for a week. My mother was very tired and slept a lot of the week away. This was not uncommon for her to do the last few years or so...she had been through a lot and was still getting her zest back, or so we thought.

The night before my father called to break the news, I talked to my mom on the phone...we chatted about our plans for the next day and how she wanted to come visit us soon. I said "Bye, talk tomorrow" and that was it.

August 11th, Lu and I decided to have a midday nap and called my parents house. No one answered, I told Lu that Grammy was sleeping and to leave a message. We crawled into the big bed and drifted off to sleep...then the phone rang.

Love you always.

My father said my name, followed by "Your mom passed away". I kept repeating "DAD WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!!" He explained between sobs that he'd gotten home from work, went up to their bedroom to ask my mom if she wanted to eat something for lunch. She didn't reply. He called her name from across the room again...nothing. He slapped her leg with his hand...she was very hard. He looked at her face, her lips were purple....he threw the sheets off of her, she was covered in dark spots...he screamed my mom's name over and over and ran to call an ambulance. She had been gone for over 8 hours.

Now come all of the what-if's. My dad feels tremendous guilt for not asking her if she wanted to get up and have breakfast that morning, he decided to let her sleep in. The coroner came to the house and told my dad that it was her heart. She'd had a heart attack in her sleep...most likely from all of the stress of the last few years. All of the medications and the COPD she had needed puffers for. Her heart just couldn't take it anymore and off she drifted to sleep...forever. My mom was only 56 years old, this is so incredibly wrong.

I'm sitting here typing this and it feels like it's happening to someone else. I walk around like a zombie all day...nothing is important anymore. To say I am devastated, would be a very very serious understatement. The one person I could count on for anything...is gone.

I know that I need to keep getting up in the morning for Lu, she needs me to be here and take care of her like my mother took care of me. I hope Lu never knows this pain.

"Blood Out?"

We're starting to get into the groove of things over here. 7am trips to the clinic for bloodwork and ultrasounds. Lu is a little trooper when it comes to getting up at 5:30. I'll rub her back and tell her it's the morning and that we have to go to the doctor. She usually replies with "Blood out?" and hops to her feet instantly. I know she doesn't understand why we're going exactly but she sure seems motivated by something. I'm in the 2ww right now and hoping with everything in me that this is it for us. I'm soooooo ready to be pregnant and end the cycles of Clomid. This month I tried Ovidrel for the first time which is a subcutaneous injection to the stomach. A lot easier than I thought it would be...but I'd be totally cool with not having to do that again!

Canada Day Fireworks 2011

Lu is doing really well these days, talking up a storm and extremely conscientious. She says her "please" and "thank you's" without fail and even throws in the occasional "Nice to meet you" to strangers in passing. I don't know what I did to have such a lovely miss. 

It has been a very busy month, we took Lu to her first fireworks on Canada Day and she was amazed! We also went to Pride which is a huge attraction in Toronto. She watched the Dyke Parade and waved at all the ladies riding motorcycles and marching. She even got a frisbee and whistle for her efforts. I hope Lu grows up to love all kinds of people despite their sexual or racial differences. It upsets me that there are still people out there teaching hate to their kids. It boggles my mind.

Lula Pearl M.D

It's a happy day in Hooterville, mom's biopsy came back all-clear! She'll have to come back every 2 months for catscans but that's definitely something we're cool with.

Bird watching with friends.

The 2ww proved fruitless and presently you can find me clutching a heating pad and cursing my uterus. Back to the drawing board in a few weeks, a year and a half has gone by. Friends have been pregnant and had their children while we've been trying...that really blows my mind.

Little Miss is great. She's such an awesome person and so loving these days. She asked me if my tummy hurt yesterday and when I responded "yes"...she ran off to get her doctor kit. She checked my blood pressure, checked her pager, used tiny scissors to cut my nails and looked in my ear. Followed by a quick check of my heart...

"Mummy all better now?"

How could I not be just a little better? <3

Lovely Lady Lumps

The last week has been a whirlwind of appointments and activities. I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to snuggle in bed for the day with the little lady. This is completely ridiculous of course because we seriously need a few days of snuggles and cartoons. Laying in the big bed covered in sticky spots from juice boxes and brushing cookie crumbs off our feet.

My mother was in town for her bi-annual cancer check-up. She received radiation last summer for a sarcoma on her face. After the treatment, she received the all-clear and we were relieved to say the least. This appointment was scary from the start, she had found a lump in her neck a month or so ago. Since finding it, it's grown and she has been stressing out about it. At her appointment last week, the doctor was quite alarmed by it and ordered an immediate biopsy. A few days ago I took her to get the lump aspirated and now we await the results. It's either benign...or the cancer has spread to her glands.

To say I'm stressed, is a major understatement.

On top of this, I'm in the 2ww (9dpo). - HPT this morning although I'm sure it was a bit too early to test anyway. Having a lot of symptoms, starting to feel like if this isn't it when I feel all of these symptoms, I'll never be able to tell when it does happen. Super moody too, ugh. Nobody best get in my way today...I can't be responsible for my actions.

Unfair Fair.

Big kids drive me crazy!! Is it just me or are pre-teen kids clumsy and reckless?
We took Lu to a fun fair at the school across from our apartment building. It was fun...cotton candy, veggies dogs and raffles. Let's not forget the "bouncy cassuh" as Lu calls it. The only thing that sucked was how much she kept getting knocked around by rambunctious older kids who just plowed her down without a second care. I try my best to keep her close but sometimes she takes a couple steps away...and WHAMMO! A little boy comes flying past and knocks her to the ground...ugh. Where are these kids parents? Seriously pisses me off.

I have no patience for crazy kids. Do they all go through a wild, out-of-control phase? I can't picture Lu being that way and I hope I never have to deal with it.

One boy didn't look more than 7 or so and was throwing golf balls at a glass window....his mom pretended she didn't see him. I couldn't let him keep doing it so I told him to "Be careful because those are glass windows and could break". He gave me this crazed look, almost as though to say, that was what he was attempting to do.

So we grabbed little Miss and got her the hell away from Destructo, much to her displeasure.

I am petrified of her starting school. Don't get me wrong, I trust her to pieces...it's everyone else I'm worried about :/

Sniffles and All Things Cruddy

Little Miss is sick, sniffles and shnots and "mommy snuggle?". I know some people think it's heartbreaking when their kid coughs or sneezes....but I kinda like it...I don't like it when she has a fever or is in a lot of pain, that's not what I mean.
I just enjoy the extra snuggliness, the need she has for her mommy to be nearby for hugs and consoling. As she gets older, she needs me less.

She's already begun with the "I do it!" every two seconds. In the last month, she has learned to put on her Pull-Ups and take off her shirt and pants. It's really remarkable how fast these changes happen.

Speaking of changes (or in this case non-changes), yet another month of nothing on the baby front. I've almost lost hope that this is going to happen again...that my body is failing me at it's most basic level. So we begin again, the early morning u/s's and pokes. Hoping next month is THE month and we can get back to normal over here.

Rebirth.

Going through Lu's closet is a cleansing time...and also a sad time.
Putting away all those teeny tiny onesies and too small shirts. Tiny balled up socks
are the worse, almost too small to fit anyone. They get lost in the recesses of the wardrobe and pop up when you really don't need a reminder that your little miss is growing up.

Lu at 8 months

Thankfully the little lady isn't growing as fast as a lot of kids her age. She's 2 1/2 but still fits in the 18-24 month stuff. I like getting a lot of wear out of her clothes since one of the main complaints by parents is that their children outgrow things before they get a chance to wear them.

The bins of her too small clothing are starting to take over the closet in her room. A sign that she's growing up and another sign that I buy WAY TOO MUCH CLOTHING for this kid! Seriously, they shouldn't make girls clothes so bloody cute.

As summer rears it's lovely little head, it's time to break out the pretty dresses and tiny shorts (last years still fit!).

As much as spring is a rebirth, it's also hard on me. Infertility...that damn word that only those who have suffered from, truly understand. We're a year into our battle again and the pokes and prods have only just begun.

Hoping that next summer I feel differently about tiny balled up socks and find them in the wardrobe again.