Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What I'd want her to know...

I'm sure it's every moms fear that they won't be there to see their child grow up. I found myself pondering this last night into the wee hours of the morning. Reflecting upon the death of a friend who passed days after the birth of her child, I couldn't just leave these thoughts be.
I don't live just for myself anymore, I am someone's everything. My daughter told me I was her best friend today and it melted my heart and scared the crap out of me. What if I'm not here forever, what if...?

You hear about all of these random deaths. A woman accidentally walks out in front of a bus or a stray bullet kills a teen. It got me wondering, at my daughter's age she might not remember me all that well in ten years. She would have to rely on other people's interpretations and memories.

So the big question is...what would I want her to know about us? About how I feel about her?

Dear Lu,

I'm writing this because I want to know that in the event I'm not around for you growing up that I loved you desperately. In highschool I probably would've been "the person least likely to parent". It was no secret among friends that I never wanted kids. It all changed when I met your daddy. After we got married, all I wanted to do was be a mom and one special day I became one. It was like the world stopped and my sole job was to raise you to be awesome. I wanted you to be strong, independent (but not too soon!), kind-hearted and intelligent. My life flipped a switch and it went from being all about all about you and I loved every minute of it. From buying teeny tiny snuggly onesies to nursing in the middle of the night while watching a 1980s episode of Cops (which by the way is wayyyy better than the newer ones!)...I revelled in every milestone. Your first smile, first laugh, first crawl, first walk....first everything!

I want you to know that I made you an awesome baby book and it's full of all of these milestones. I thought you might get a kick out of them one day, like being able to see how much you weighed when you were 5 months old. These things were important moments for your daddy and I. We loved finding out you were thriving and that we were succeeding at that whole parenting thing.

Right now you're having a nap. Sleeping away with your little puppy in your arms, squeezing him so tight that I'm thankful we don't have a real puppy...because you would've loved him to death ages ago. You are very loving and gentle with the kitties, which I'm sure they appreciate.

You relish in pouring tea, giving sneaky unexpected kisses, grinning from ear to ear, playing soccer with your new baby friends and going for hot chocolate with me on our random strolls.

You have such a big personality and you make people smile everywhere you make me soooo proud to be your mom.

What I want you to know is that no matter where I am, I'm thinking about you and there will always be a huge pile of people around to love you and take care of you. I hope you never need this letter and I hope I live til I'm 100 but I'd hate to leave you without it.

Love Mommy xo

1 comment:

  1. So heartfelt and beautiful. She'll always remember you! :)